17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I told my vodka about you.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
how high up are we talkin’?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience