As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?