I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
doing your own taxes
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
waiting for halloween be like:
I’m putting together a team
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.