My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Make new friends? bro out of what?
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Fries, not lies.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders