I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I think they could have phrased this better
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
adam and eve had first world problems
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog