The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You Might Also Like
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*