Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.