Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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