If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.