I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
You Might Also Like
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
much to think about
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
those birds must be on payroll
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”