I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:![]()
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol