If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me