3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop