Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.