If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.