It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.