[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”