None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Somebody call the cops.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.