me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Mornin. * use accordingly
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.