Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
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bugs bunny: i鈥檓 asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
You can rain on my parade but please don鈥檛 poop in my punch bowl.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 馃帀
I like long walks away from everyone
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It鈥檚 terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
You know what? I鈥檓 sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It鈥檚 so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I鈥檓 not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Welcome to your 50鈥檚, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Interior design 馃憣
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*