Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place