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The only good comments section online is on recipes
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer