Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”