My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.