Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
This pepper has seen some shit
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.