Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Cow it started Cow it’s going
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.