I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex