Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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I had to Stop for this
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
#damn
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.