I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
You Might Also Like
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again