For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
translated into Canadian
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them