Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.