Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*