‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
You Might Also Like
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread