Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
next level snooze
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
OKAY DAD
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…