when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me, flirting😏
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products