when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
shut up and take my money
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son