Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
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Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree