HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Phonetics
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I bet
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.