Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.