I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
You Might Also Like
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
#dnd #ttrpg
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.