My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
inside you are two wolves
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
looks legit
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up