Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

WHY?!

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of