Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.