#dnd #ttrpg
You Might Also Like
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
584.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*