Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Lmao 🤣
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?