Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My dog learned how to text
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
called in thicc to work this morning
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds