Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.