I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice