[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
You Might Also Like
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.