It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
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yes, those are my real potatoes.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.