High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
What about second breakfast?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
channeling her this year
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Watson was Holmes schooled
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A