Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
excuse me
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.