I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great