First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
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i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
These 3D printers are insane!
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died